Thankful for Life and Death #ThankfulThursday

Be Thankful For Life and Death#thankfulthursdayAs today is the last day of August, most people look forward to September to start them off with fall’s with its crisp, cool air, leaving turning and falling, school starting and the start of everything pumpkin. For me, September is a time of mourning those that I have lost this month. These people are ones that have had a huge impact in my life and I take the time to mourn them every September.

It has been 16 years since I lost my first person in September. I will never forget 9/11, where is was, what I was doing and what I was supposed to be doing but instead I was glued to TV watching the horror unfold and awaiting to hear that people who I cared about or know where safe. Then I found out 3 days later that a close friend of mine, a firefighter in the FDNY, had been trapped in one of the towers when it collapsed and they never were able to recover his whole body, just parts. His mother was devastated and so was I because I never thought that I would lose a friend in a horrible way like this. He is someone who had been through some of the worst times of my teen years with me and his death changed a part of me that may never be fixed because I still see myself push people away when they get to close in fear of losing them as well.

The next person I lost has been the hardest death I have ever experienced because it was my little brother. Another situation that I remember that day like it was yesterday when it was 9 years ago. Being the oldest of my siblings, I had to be the one to keep it together for my family when I was mentally losing it. The little brother that I used to torture as a child, was gone and I could never say I am sorry for not being a better big sister. His death is the one that I learned what drugs could do to a person and their family. When people make a joke of drugs and what they use or have used, I explain that my brother didn’t think they would take his life until one tragic day they did. This is the death that has affected who I am today the most because it has taught me to love those in your life and be thankful for everyday you get to spend with them because you never know if it could be your last.

I went from losing one person to drug addiction to losing an on again/off again boyfriend to his addiction to alcohol. After seeing the horror that my family went through with losing my brother, I thought that I could save my ex boyfriend from his alcoholism. It took me nearly 2 years to realize that he had a problem because we all drank alcohol. In the beginning, we had a blast drinking and having fun until I realized he didn’t know how to be sober unless he was at work. There were so many signs that I ignored because I loved this boy (he was not yet a man) and didn’t realize alcohol was his problem in life. As time progressed and he couldn’t live without a drop of alcohol in his house to the point where he would drink cooking sherry just for a buzz then it started to hit me. Add that to the mental, emotional and (at times) physical abuse I endured, I began to see his problem but the rest of this friends and family wouldn’t see the problem until it was to late. I still remember the last thing I said to him was to never talk to me again. Well my wish/nightmare came true because exactly a week later he died driving off the side of cliff on his Sunday alcohol run on his motorcycle. His death taught me not to say things you will later regret because you may never be able to say your sorry.

The last person that died was at the same time as my ex boyfriend but I was never able to meet her… my daughter’s heart stopped beating before she was ever able to be born and meet me. I was 16 weeks pregnant and just found out it was a girl when the Ultrasound tech all of a sudden stopped talking, went to get the doctor, who came back in the room to tell me that her heart had stopped beating a few days before the scan. I had to carry her around inside of me for another 2 weeks, attend my ex boyfriend’s funeral, and wait for my body to miscarry her. My body decided that on the anniversary of my brother’s death that it was time for her to leave my body. I went through a depression like no other after this and it took time and therapy for me to feel like me again. After her death, I never thought that I would have another baby but I am so grateful that I am expecting Baby Evelynne in just 18 weeks or sooner.

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In reality, I never became me again because these deaths all changed who I was in different ways. I have learned how to get past some of my fears or recognize when I am escaping back into my fears when getting close to other people. I have tried to use my experiences of loving someone (family and significant other) to teach others that if they love someone with an addiction, they need to want to fix themselves we cannot fix them. On the flip side, I have also tried to scare addicts or “recreational” drug users that they are not invisible and can die from what they are doing whether it is just once or millionth time.

For years, September became a month that I would push everyone away just to deal with myself and my feelings because I didn’t want people to see me be week but as the years have gone on, these deaths have made me more grateful for the life I have to live everyday and to not take the people I love for granted, though I am only human and have my moments. I still mourn in September but this is the month that I try my hardest to find the things that I am grateful for because each and every day is a blessing to cherish. Please hug and love your loved ones today and everyday!

 

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Eggs of Love

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I am going to start this off with kind of a disclaimer/apology to my baby daddy/boyfriend… When I started blogging (on a different platform until someone turned me onto WordPress), my posts consisted of the ups and downs of being a single mom in the world of dating while running a business. This is something that I have continued to do with this blog and I forget that when I write it involves other people. Honestly, I never thought that BD would ever read my blog but once I saw him get upset about my writing I began to censor myself. I don’t agree that I should censor what I write because I write about my life…. the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful moments. So before I continue with this post…. babe I am sorry if my posts upset you but please remember that I love you.

With the apology out of the way let’s get to the ups and downs that have been happening

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lately. With so much focus on our unborn baby, kids, work, needing to move and all of the other stresses we have going on, we have really let each other go with our relationship. It has felt more like we are roommates that share a bed once in a while then a couple that love each other. I have been crying about our relationship almost daily because I feel alone and unloved which I am the type of person that needs the constant feel of affection and love in my life when I am with someone. Now I know that my hormones have not helped my constant crying but the underlying problem is there and needs to be addressed in order to be fixed.

In being wrapped up in all of my self wallowing and crying about how alone I feel, I have not considered how he is feeling because I have not given to him what I amc12c81aeb25776e873ea34055b955643 asking from him. As a girl, I love being held in his arms and just cuddling so when I see the dog getting all the cuddles and kisses I want I got jealous. (yes jealous of the damn dog) If I wanted those cuddles I should have told him or moved the dog and started cuddling with him. When I brought up my jealousy of the dog this morning, BD basically said that I don’t make him feel loved either.

So we do need to find a way back to each other before our relationship goes into the grave. I know that I have been difficult to deal with lately and can be very demanding when I want something and a bitch when I don’t get something (like for my birthday he was out of the house and I didn’t even get a card which made me feel like I was just about the most unloved person ever and I made my feelings very known). It takes two of us to get our relationship back from being one foot in the grave and I am hoping we BOTH can work on building a stronger relationship.

PS Thank you for the Egg and toast for breakfast!

Balance in Relationships

Something that I have struggled with for basically all of my life is creating a balance in my relationships where I am not giving, giving, giving and not getting anything in return. Don’t get me wrong, I love to help people and be there for the ones I love but I do this to a point where I get burned out and then resent this person for the way I am feeling about myself. The feelings of resentment then resonate in my mind and it turns ugly. The last thing I end up doing to casting this person, that I resent so much, out of my life and later regret my actions but it is to late to change things now or the person and I reconcile and the cycle continues over and over again. one day she remembered that it wasn't her job to keep everyone happy

Now, I am not talking about just romantic relationships, but all my relationships with friends and family. I love to see others happy even if it costs me my own happiness until I can’t take it anymore. Neglecting your own happiness and well being to create someone else’s happiness is not healthy but it is a cycle that I seem to get myself stuck in all the time. Yes, I do self love work and have come a long, long way in my 35 years of creating other people’s happiness and avoiding my own but the cycle still exists and it flat out sucks.

When it is a family relationship that this is occuring in, I will take a “time out” from said family member and get myself back on track until I see the cycle begin again. When it comes to romantic relationships, you really can’t take a “time out” without killing the relationship but if the relationship continues at a rate that is uneven then the relationship is going to suffer repercussions, possibly permanant ones.

Currently, I am struggling with this balance in multiple relationships in my life and the attempt to find the balance has been exhausting because truly it takes two to create this balance. In my romantic relationship, the lack of balance is one that has been mentally and emotionally exhausting because no matter how hard I try, his lack of keeping his end of the balace has me working harder but seeing no results. Our schedules have become so opposite of each other that even when we have time to spend together there is very little connection and being a hopeless romantic, I am left wondering what I am doing wrong or what else I can do but in reality I can do everything possible but without the other person balancing out my efforts then all it does is build up resentment until I blow up.

That blow up has recently happened and it was not pretty. I exploded and cried and exploded and still hold the feelings of resentment because I don’t know what to do to get it through his head that I need him to keep up with his end of the relationship. We may only have a half hour in the evening before I go to bed, but make the most of that time. Cuddle with me, hold my hand, take a bath with me, remind me that I am the one you love. Since we only have a little time to spend together then find something special to suprise me with and remind me why I fell in love with you. Just because life happens and we work hard to keep our house and family living comfortably doesn’t mean that we begin to act like roommates not lovers.

Since my blow up, I am learning to do more for myself and love myself more then doing things for my love. There is a part of me that feels guilty for acting like this but I need to make myself happy because I don’t feel like I am making him happy. It breaks my heart that he feels like we are ok but I am not so maybe showing him that making myself happy before his happiness will open his eyes before our relationship ends up with repercussions we cannot come back from.

It is extremely hard to talk about my personal relationship but I know others can relate which is why I am doing it. Whether its a lover, friend or family member…. make each of them feel loved and of course love yourself first!

Facebook and Relationship Age Gap

Prior to today, I haven’t mentioned my boyfriend to much but after a 6 hour “discussion” last night… it’s time to talk about our relationship. There is 10 year age difference between my boyfriend(45) and I(35), almost to the day. When we are together, you can’t tell an age difference because we can laugh and play and have fun but our issues do come up.

Last night’s “discussion” (which is in parentheses because he said it was us talking when to me I was fighting with him over this) was about Facebook. At 35, I am on multiple social media apps which helps me run my handmade business. I love posting on my social media because I love to brag about my life or vent about my life. In the past, I have posted about my relationships because I am proud of who I am with and what makes me happy. 

On the other hand, my boyfriend rarely posts and has made it clear to me that he doesn’t post and especially doesn’t post about his relationships. For months, I kept my mouth shut and tried to be ok with it. That was until the miscarriage, in my moments of anger I haven’t been holding back my thoughts and this was one of them. My boyfriend and I want to one day get married and try for another baby but I told him I didn’t want those things with him if I have to feel like I’m hiding parts of my life because his refusal to post about our relationship. He wanted me to only refer to him as my boyfriend and never tag him which hurt me because it felt like I was being hidden.

So we talked for 6 hours and eventually we realized that the 10 year age gap is the reason behind both of us looking at Facebook differently. He sees Facebook as way to communicate with friends but not opening his life up to the world. Whereas, I see Facebook as a place to tell the world about how my life is going because I don’t have the time to talk to each person individually. Eventually, he did see what I was saying and how I was feeling about how I don’t like the feeling of hiding my life. We are taking baby steps towards exposing him to posting on Facebook.

There is no doubt in my mind that I want to spend the rest of my life with this man and have a child with him. In the same breathe, I won’t hide my life from the world and in this day and age the world is on social media.

A New Year, A New Path

 On the  Eve of a New Year, I always want to make big plans to change my life but nothing seems to ever change. This past year things in my life have changed significantly but my feelings about myself and my life still haven’t changed to reflect the happiness I should feel. Well with the biggest changes of my life about to happen in 2017, I need to make a plan and stick to you and learn how to self love. 

I have pinned (yes I’m a Pinterest addicted… minimum 8 hours a day) self love help posts, downloaded books on audible and bought myself a new journal. My plan is to help my self love journey by blogging about my ups and downs. I had another blog but there was no app to be able to write and post from my phone so I started a brand new to go with my brand new journey. I plan on blogging about my self love journey, my business adventures (I crochet, paint and make body products which I sell locally) and my family adventures ( I have 3 kids that keep me on my toes plus a wonderful boyfriend that fills my heart with love and happiness)! 

I hope you all join me in my journey in 2017!