Eggs of Love

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I am going to start this off with kind of a disclaimer/apology to my baby daddy/boyfriend… When I started blogging (on a different platform until someone turned me onto WordPress), my posts consisted of the ups and downs of being a single mom in the world of dating while running a business. This is something that I have continued to do with this blog and I forget that when I write it involves other people. Honestly, I never thought that BD would ever read my blog but once I saw him get upset about my writing I began to censor myself. I don’t agree that I should censor what I write because I write about my life…. the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful moments. So before I continue with this post…. babe I am sorry if my posts upset you but please remember that I love you.

With the apology out of the way let’s get to the ups and downs that have been happening

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lately. With so much focus on our unborn baby, kids, work, needing to move and all of the other stresses we have going on, we have really let each other go with our relationship. It has felt more like we are roommates that share a bed once in a while then a couple that love each other. I have been crying about our relationship almost daily because I feel alone and unloved which I am the type of person that needs the constant feel of affection and love in my life when I am with someone. Now I know that my hormones have not helped my constant crying but the underlying problem is there and needs to be addressed in order to be fixed.

In being wrapped up in all of my self wallowing and crying about how alone I feel, I have not considered how he is feeling because I have not given to him what I amc12c81aeb25776e873ea34055b955643 asking from him. As a girl, I love being held in his arms and just cuddling so when I see the dog getting all the cuddles and kisses I want I got jealous. (yes jealous of the damn dog) If I wanted those cuddles I should have told him or moved the dog and started cuddling with him. When I brought up my jealousy of the dog this morning, BD basically said that I don’t make him feel loved either.

So we do need to find a way back to each other before our relationship goes into the grave. I know that I have been difficult to deal with lately and can be very demanding when I want something and a bitch when I don’t get something (like for my birthday he was out of the house and I didn’t even get a card which made me feel like I was just about the most unloved person ever and I made my feelings very known). It takes two of us to get our relationship back from being one foot in the grave and I am hoping we BOTH can work on building a stronger relationship.

PS Thank you for the Egg and toast for breakfast!

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Balance in Relationships

Something that I have struggled with for basically all of my life is creating a balance in my relationships where I am not giving, giving, giving and not getting anything in return. Don’t get me wrong, I love to help people and be there for the ones I love but I do this to a point where I get burned out and then resent this person for the way I am feeling about myself. The feelings of resentment then resonate in my mind and it turns ugly. The last thing I end up doing to casting this person, that I resent so much, out of my life and later regret my actions but it is to late to change things now or the person and I reconcile and the cycle continues over and over again. one day she remembered that it wasn't her job to keep everyone happy

Now, I am not talking about just romantic relationships, but all my relationships with friends and family. I love to see others happy even if it costs me my own happiness until I can’t take it anymore. Neglecting your own happiness and well being to create someone else’s happiness is not healthy but it is a cycle that I seem to get myself stuck in all the time. Yes, I do self love work and have come a long, long way in my 35 years of creating other people’s happiness and avoiding my own but the cycle still exists and it flat out sucks.

When it is a family relationship that this is occuring in, I will take a “time out” from said family member and get myself back on track until I see the cycle begin again. When it comes to romantic relationships, you really can’t take a “time out” without killing the relationship but if the relationship continues at a rate that is uneven then the relationship is going to suffer repercussions, possibly permanant ones.

Currently, I am struggling with this balance in multiple relationships in my life and the attempt to find the balance has been exhausting because truly it takes two to create this balance. In my romantic relationship, the lack of balance is one that has been mentally and emotionally exhausting because no matter how hard I try, his lack of keeping his end of the balace has me working harder but seeing no results. Our schedules have become so opposite of each other that even when we have time to spend together there is very little connection and being a hopeless romantic, I am left wondering what I am doing wrong or what else I can do but in reality I can do everything possible but without the other person balancing out my efforts then all it does is build up resentment until I blow up.

That blow up has recently happened and it was not pretty. I exploded and cried and exploded and still hold the feelings of resentment because I don’t know what to do to get it through his head that I need him to keep up with his end of the relationship. We may only have a half hour in the evening before I go to bed, but make the most of that time. Cuddle with me, hold my hand, take a bath with me, remind me that I am the one you love. Since we only have a little time to spend together then find something special to suprise me with and remind me why I fell in love with you. Just because life happens and we work hard to keep our house and family living comfortably doesn’t mean that we begin to act like roommates not lovers.

Since my blow up, I am learning to do more for myself and love myself more then doing things for my love. There is a part of me that feels guilty for acting like this but I need to make myself happy because I don’t feel like I am making him happy. It breaks my heart that he feels like we are ok but I am not so maybe showing him that making myself happy before his happiness will open his eyes before our relationship ends up with repercussions we cannot come back from.

It is extremely hard to talk about my personal relationship but I know others can relate which is why I am doing it. Whether its a lover, friend or family member…. make each of them feel loved and of course love yourself first!

Facebook and Relationship Age Gap

Prior to today, I haven’t mentioned my boyfriend to much but after a 6 hour “discussion” last night… it’s time to talk about our relationship. There is 10 year age difference between my boyfriend(45) and I(35), almost to the day. When we are together, you can’t tell an age difference because we can laugh and play and have fun but our issues do come up.

Last night’s “discussion” (which is in parentheses because he said it was us talking when to me I was fighting with him over this) was about Facebook. At 35, I am on multiple social media apps which helps me run my handmade business. I love posting on my social media because I love to brag about my life or vent about my life. In the past, I have posted about my relationships because I am proud of who I am with and what makes me happy. 

On the other hand, my boyfriend rarely posts and has made it clear to me that he doesn’t post and especially doesn’t post about his relationships. For months, I kept my mouth shut and tried to be ok with it. That was until the miscarriage, in my moments of anger I haven’t been holding back my thoughts and this was one of them. My boyfriend and I want to one day get married and try for another baby but I told him I didn’t want those things with him if I have to feel like I’m hiding parts of my life because his refusal to post about our relationship. He wanted me to only refer to him as my boyfriend and never tag him which hurt me because it felt like I was being hidden.

So we talked for 6 hours and eventually we realized that the 10 year age gap is the reason behind both of us looking at Facebook differently. He sees Facebook as way to communicate with friends but not opening his life up to the world. Whereas, I see Facebook as a place to tell the world about how my life is going because I don’t have the time to talk to each person individually. Eventually, he did see what I was saying and how I was feeling about how I don’t like the feeling of hiding my life. We are taking baby steps towards exposing him to posting on Facebook.

There is no doubt in my mind that I want to spend the rest of my life with this man and have a child with him. In the same breathe, I won’t hide my life from the world and in this day and age the world is on social media.

A New Year, A New Path

 On the  Eve of a New Year, I always want to make big plans to change my life but nothing seems to ever change. This past year things in my life have changed significantly but my feelings about myself and my life still haven’t changed to reflect the happiness I should feel. Well with the biggest changes of my life about to happen in 2017, I need to make a plan and stick to you and learn how to self love. 

I have pinned (yes I’m a Pinterest addicted… minimum 8 hours a day) self love help posts, downloaded books on audible and bought myself a new journal. My plan is to help my self love journey by blogging about my ups and downs. I had another blog but there was no app to be able to write and post from my phone so I started a brand new to go with my brand new journey. I plan on blogging about my self love journey, my business adventures (I crochet, paint and make body products which I sell locally) and my family adventures ( I have 3 kids that keep me on my toes plus a wonderful boyfriend that fills my heart with love and happiness)! 

I hope you all join me in my journey in 2017!