Today, I turn 28 weeks and am officially in the Third Trimester but tomorrow is a somber day because it is October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. It is somber because I am one those women that have lost a baby that I never got to meet. I am 1 in 4.
It is so hard to really wrap my head around the fact that I am a statistic but I have had miscarriages in my first trimester and one in my second trimester. That moment when you just know something is wrong and the doctor confirms, the baby is no longer viable (able to continue to grow), is the one of the worst moments a woman can go through no matter if it is your first miscarriage or 4th.
My body is the type that responds to pregnancy almost immediately so I feel those symptoms very early. So when I have lost those babies, it was like losing a piece of my heart, especially with the 2nd trimester loss. That one, I went through morning sickness and cravings. I went for my routine ultrasound but when the tech became very quiet and went to get the doctor, I knew it was over. There was no heartbeat. I fell into a depression after that miscarriage which took a long time to recover from.
In January, I went through my last miscarriage which was not any easier but we agreed to try for another one. We tried for a couple of months but stress and life made doing the deed to make a baby less and less frequent so when I realized I was pregnant again we were both shocked but so happy. I still analyze every time I go to the bathroom that something could be wrong but everything with the baby has been great. We are now in our third trimester!
It is my last week in my 2nd trimester and I finally beginning to understand why I have been feeling like well crap. For weeks, I have been told that my blood pressure was just way to low, and I needed to work on making it higher. For pregnant women, you usually hear a doctor be concerned about high blood pressure but there are the rare few that suffer from just the opposite, low blood pressure.
At the Maternal Fetal Medicine office, they have been checking my blood pressure every week when I get my shot. This is where the concern for the continued drop in blood pressure has been voiced the most. Their suggest was to drink a Gatorade everyday to help with my sodium and electrolyte intake which should help my blood pressure rise. The other day, I went to see my regular (delivering) OB and the nurse was concerned that my blood pressure was high. When I asked the numbers, she said it was 121/68 which was high compared to my previous visits. My response was that the Gatorade must be working!
I will admit, it has been extremely difficult for me to drink Gatorade, Powerade or any other ade with electrolytes because I don’t like the after taste and it gives me heartburn. I found a Gatorade called Flow Smooth in 2 different flavors and not only do I like the flavors but there hasn’t been any side effects either! WIN WIN
My OB explained that the low blood pressure was, more than likely, the cause of how uncomfortable and crappy I have been feeling every single day. Low blood pressure has accounted for my dizzy and light headed spells that I frequently have had, some days multiple times a day. I chalked up my shortness in breath to the baby pushing into my ribs and growing bigger but the lower blood pressure actually contributed to my breathing issues. Plus, I can tell it is low when I begin to see spots in my vision. Lastly, it was explained that some of my headaches and general weakness is more than likely from the low blood pressure.
Now that I have been drinking a Gatorade a day, I can definitely feel a difference. The spots and headaches are not as frequent. I still feel pretty weak and dizzy at moments but its been my cue to drink some Gatorade and then I start to feel better or I end up taking a nap. OH a nap sounds so good right now! Ok I am off to take a nap before I have to write a paper tonight.
It has been a week since I have been able to get a blog post out of me. If you look at my drafts, I started multiple posts but just couldn’t finish them. Yes time was a factor but if I am being truthful, my heart just wasn’t in it to write this past week. Being pregnant, I know that I am more emotional than usual but I would just sit and start crying multiple times throughout the day because this past weekend was my little brother’s 9th anniversary of his death and I was becoming emotionally burned out.
The week leading up to his anniversary is always an emotional one but we keep busy by planning his annual balloon release memorial service and cook out. Add the stress of the pregnancy hormones and the pregnancy itself… my stress level felt like it skyrocketed. Now add that my psych paper this week was on Addiction and basically I just mentally shut down.
More than once my boyfriend found me crying and when he would ask why, all I could muster up was that it was all too much this week and I couldn’t take it. In one week, I dealt with my brother’s death anniversary, my pregnancy complications (had a few close call fainting spells) and one of the Mama’s in my group had to have her twin boys early because of complications (I sat on the couch and cried for hours for those boys who are now in the NICU and getting stronger everyday). I just hit my end and crashed but it felt like every time I did something, I crashed all over again.
Last night was the first night I was able to get to bed and sleep before midnight which was a nice thing for me. I was living off of little sleep and an occasional nap. My poor boyfriend had his head bitten off more than once in an hour for the past week (sorry babe). I had the Mom Emotional Burn Out but this week it is time for recovery and get myself back on track.
Every mom has their emotional burn out moments trust me! Some are definitely not as extreme as mine but we all have them. The key is to let yourself feel your emotions, embrace the discomfort while it lasts and when you are ready, pick yourself up and love yourself again. Motivation Monday!
**On a little side note, my boyfriend has made it without to many scars through this pregnancy and other times so I have to say Happy Anniversary! I love you and everything you do for our family.